Dr Porpavai Kasiannan
“My child does not talk to anyone at school and always tries to hide behind my saree at social events. I don’t know what to do” is a concern that I commonly encounter when I talk to parents. Many parents are worried that their children are not like other extroverted children.
What is Shyness?
Shyness is the tendency to feel awkward, worried or tense during social encounters, especially with unfamiliar people.
Severely shy people may have physical symptoms like blushing, sweating, a pounding heart or upset stomach; negative feelings about themselves; worries about how others view them; and a tendency to withdraw from social interactions (American Psychological Association).
It is generally a mixture of different emotions such as fear, tension, apprehension and/or embarrassment.
It is a normal response when child sees a situation as scary or overwhelming, such as new social settings or when they are the centre of attention.
Shy children generally avoid eye contact and tend to look at the ground when meeting unfamiliar people. They do not speak spontaneously in social situations and when they speak, they are softly spoken and sometimes their speech is hesitant and trembling. They generally watch other children rather than joining in the activity.
What causes shyness? How does shyness develop in children?
Personality: All children are different. Some children are shyer than others. Being shy can be a part of a child’s temperament, their own unique way of interacting with the world.
Genetics: aspects of personality can be decided at least in part by the individual’s genetic makeup.
Developmental: It is a very common behaviour that most children experience at some point during their development. Shyness is common in babies and young children. A baby may be clingy to their parent, cry in social settings or physically withdraw by hiding behind the parents. A toddler or preschool child may not want to talk to strangers and avoid joining in games. During developmental transitions such as moving from primary to high school or when going through puberty children can become shy and/or withdrawn.
Learned behaviour: Children whose parents are shy will tend to be somewhat inhibited as parents are the most influential role models.
Family relationships: children who have had inconsistent parenting or disruptions in care-giving may be prone to shyness and anxiety.
Harsh criticism: Shyness can develop if the parent or teacher are constantly critical of the child or ask others about what they think of the child or do not allow the child to be independent. If children get constantly pushed beyond their capacity, they may develop a fear of failure that can present as shyness.
Lack of social interaction: children who do not have opportunities to interact with others during the first years of life may not learn the necessary social skills.
What are the positive attributes of shyness?
Occasional shyness is an appropriate response and can be adaptive in certain situations.
Shy children tend to assess the situation more deeply than others and listen attentively to others without interrupting which are signs of an intelligent and processing mind.
They are deep-thinking and cautious which can be protective.
Shy children may do well at school and behave well and not get into trouble.
Shyness always do not equate to ‘having a problem’ or ‘having low self-image’. Many shy children have inner peace and solid self-concept.
Shy children can be easy to look after.
What can be the challenges and complications of shyness?
Excessive shyness can impact the development of appropriate social interactions and friendships.
When a child is very shy others can see them as being unfriendly, rude or disinterested. Children may avoid playing with a shy child causing low self-esteem in the child.
Reduced participation in fun activities including sport, dance, drama or music.
If extreme shyness is not addressed the children can grow up to be shy adults.
This may also come in the way of reaching their goals as shy individuals tend to avoid certain activities such as speaking in front of others, ask for help and reach their full potential.
Children may develop feelings of loneliness and reduced self-esteem and experience high anxiety levels.
Obvious physical effects such as blushing, stammering and trembling.
What can parents do to help their shy child?
There is no need to convert shy children magically into extroverts. However, they can be helped to find ways of interacting that fit their personality and that can lead to positive interactions with others.
Before parents embark on the mission to help their shy child it is essential that they make sure that the child is not experiencing any bullying at school or home and is not experiencing any physical or psychological trauma at home or at school.
Parents have a big influence on their children’s lives even though they may not realise that. The following strategies are some ways to help your shy child to thrive. However parents need to be aware that they cannot expect a complete change from an introvert to an extrovert child.
Some tips for shy babies and younger children:
- Provide enough time for the baby to feel comfortable before putting them in the arms of an unfamiliar adult. Instead encourage the adult sit by the side and play with a familiar toy and talk in a calm voice.
- Let the child know that you understand their feelings and that such feelings are ok. You might say “I can see that you are a bit nervous because there are a lot of new people at this function. Let us go together and find someone we know”.
- Avoid providing too much comfort and reassurance as it might tell the child that the world is a scary place.
- Always stay with your young child in social situations, at the same time encouraging them to explore.
- Always praise brave behaviours, “I liked the way you said hello to that new boy, I saw that he gave you a big smile, did you notice that too?”
Tips for children of all ages
- Embrace your child for what they are. Recognise that your child is sensitive, reserved and caring and is slow to warm up to strangers. Remember that they will contribute to a gentler world.
- Do not label the child as ‘shy’. In general, children live up to the parental expectations. In other words, they grow up with attributes that others place on them as children. Do not let other people label your child as ‘shy’. Instead use positive phrases such as ‘she is thoughtful and takes her time to talk’ or describe the child as ‘private’ or ‘reserved’.
- Do not criticise or put the child down when they are shy. Be supportive, show empathy and understanding. Try to understand his or her thoughts and feelings and tell them that all children feel inhibited at times. Speak softly and clearly without rushing the child as they may need time to respond.
- Do not put the child on the spot and persuade them to talk when they feel inhibited. The more pressure you put on the child, the more the child withdraws.
- In private encourage your child to talk about their shyness and understand what they are scared of. Use active listening skills to encourage the child to open up.
- Discuss with them about the times in your life you have felt shy and share personal coping strategies you’ve learned over the years on overcoming shyness. Practice these strategies with your child.
- Model confident behaviour in your child’s presence without turning into a lecture. Lead by example.
- Encourage outgoing behaviour. Praise your child when they handle an unfamiliar situation or meet a new person without resorting to shyness. Always give enough warning before going into a new situation and prepare the child by discussing what to expect. It may even help to practice conversations beforehand such as “what can you say if the uncle asks you…?”
- Try setting some goals with your child. Aim for small, incremental steps and praise them for their progress. For example, saying ‘hello’ to another child may be a big first step.
- Deliberately take your child into new situations. Aim for small changes in behaviour first and gradually build up. For example, reward a child if they greet someone who is new to them. Be supportive. Make sure your child is allowed to excel in what they do best. Praise them for skills they have mastered.
- Have open communication with school and keep them informed about your child’s nature and needs. Advocate for your child and make sure that teachers use different strategies to deal with your child without placing the child in situations that make them highly anxious.
- Avoid pushing your shy child into activities such as public speaking and drama. Instead encourage them to explore things that interest them and help build up his/her confidence. Children will be able to better express themselves through activities that interest them.
When does shyness becomes a problem?
Shyness can become a problem if extreme shyness is causing the child a lot of distress. It can also be a problem if it is affecting the daily functioning of the child such as inability to go to certain places because of shyness, showing signs of anxiety in social situation or avoiding school as he/she cannot answer or ask questions in class. Children who are extremely shy can go on to develop anxiety.
Sometimes there could be other underlying problem that can be manifesting with shyness as a symptom. The most common ones are language delay, hearing impairment and autism spectrum disorder.
If the child’s shy behaviour is significant and hard to manage with the above strategies and/or is affecting their ability to function (such as not wanting to go to school, sleep issues, not wanting to eat, tearfulness, not wanting to meet or play with friends and drop in academic functioning), it would be helpful to talk to your doctor, paediatrician or a child psychologist or counsellor.
“Every child is different. Every child responds to the world in a different way.”
David Fincher; American Director
Recent Comments